A 3-part series on one participant’s experience in the Pharmacokinetics of Psilocybin in Normal Adult Volunteers study at the University of Wisconsin. Read about Dose #1 and Dose #2.

After experiencing the flood of emotions from dose number two and the journey of the dark soul in dose number one, I was thinking, “I have experienced my darkness, my demons, the underworld. I have purged my emotional blockage. I am ready to experience the divine. White light. Unity consciousness. Yes!”

This phase of dose three lasted about two hours, non-stop and relentless. At some point, I moved to the floor. I don’t remember how I got there. I just remember somewhat “coming to” and out of the human suffering channel. The respite from that hell was soon followed by the next phase, my own suffering. This was not as horrendous as experiencing all of the suffering of humanity. It was just me. But it truly sucked.

Here I died, and died, and died again, hundreds of deaths of “Steve.” I was parched, down-trodden, and beaten. I was a shell of a man suffering greatly. Then I would take a drink of water and fall over and die. I’d get back up, suffer, drink water, die, over and over again.

At some point in this personal suffering as I was dying and writhing on the floor, Karen bent over and whispered, “Go deeper.”

Bam!

These were the perfect words at the perfect time. They assured me that I was okay on some level and that there was a deeper level to go to.

At about the four-hour mark, I sat straight up, breathed deeply, and witnessed the cycle of suffering that I was experiencing. It was an energetic swirl. It was happening in front of me—but I was no longer part of it. “It” was just “there.”

What happened next is the most difficult part of the entire experience to fully convey in words for its depth and transformational power.

I went from witnessing my swirl of suffering to a “place.” I saw an infinite field of gray dust and a gray sky. Sitting in this dusty plain was a frail “boneman.” Not a skeleton, but a boneman. The boneman was about two feet high sitting down. He sat cross-legged staring out at the infinite horizon. I saw him and then I became him. It was “I” that was sitting there. I was boneman.

Once I was boneman, I entered a stateless state. This stateless state was one of authority. I was pure awareness, but there was no awareness. I was pure consciousness, but there was no consciousness. There was a sense of pure wisdom and knowledge, but there was no wisdom or knowledge. It was a state of perfection, but there was no perfection. There was no desire. There was no emotion. There was no bliss. No oneness. No unity consciousness. There was nothing. This state was a perfect state. This state, which was not a state, was above all.

I came out of this place and shared a bit with Dan and Karen. I said that I felt I would need to do MDMA for PTSD from my human suffering session. I felt shell-shocked from that experience.

“Why don’t you go back in?” Karen suggested.

I closed my eyes and was instantly taken back to boneman.

I was sitting in pure presence, but there was no presence. And then boneman crumbled. He turned to dust. But “I” was still experiencing this stateless state. There was no object of “me.”

My attention then shifted and I was now looking down on human suffering. Beneath me I could see the white ring to the portal of human suffering. There was no emotion, no feeling of compassion. It meant nothing. I then glanced at the other direction. I could “see” nirvana. It meant nothing.

At one point I experimented with dipping down into different levels of consciousness. I became a lion. I then became this noble, strong Danish warrior holding a spear and overlooking a large body of water. I could feel the full sense of this consciousness. It meant nothing.

What felt right was this state of high indifference. Ultimate authority of consciousness (that was not consciousness) that was above all levels of consciousness and unconsciousness. It was above the entire realm of what we can experience as humans.

I came out of it and was back on the couch in Room 1010. I looked around. I felt good, as if I were made of pure air. There was no density to me. I felt pure and clean. I have never felt better than that moment in my life.

Everything that I had suffered through to get to the state of boneman was worth it. It felt like those moments in that state were a culmination of my entire life. Everything that I had suffered through—the birth trauma, the suicide attempts, the divorces, the failures, were all paths to get me to boneman. To experience that state was the greatest gift and the most profound experience of my life.

It was more profound than the white light, unity conscious, all-is-one experience I had on the 1,200 mcg of LSD. More profound than the spontaneous experiences of non-duality and the white light experience of my brother Mike.

But even the immensity of this experience meant nothing.

It may sound nihilistic to be in such a state of indifference to the various modes of human consciousness. But the experience has left me a greater appreciation for all the nuances of life.

There is an intricately woven tapestry to our existence. A tapestry of pain, suffering, grief, joy, love, bliss, ecstasy, and thousands of variations of these potential aspects of being human.

None of them are better or worse than the other. They are all just “there”—there for us to experience, to feel. To be alive is to embrace it all, and not put any meaning on any of it. Every experience is a fleeting moment of time. “It” is there in one moment, and in the next moment it is gone. What is left is the illusion of memory.

Where we get lost is in the stories that we create. The meaning that we assign to experiences. What I am learning is that “Nothing means anything,” and conversely, “Everything means something.”

Without meaning there is no story to an event, occurrence, or memory. Our ego-mind assigns meaning based on past experiences, filters, distortions, and lies. Meaning comes through a story—to what we attach to an event. We assign meaning to everything, but it means nothing.

Meaning is a self-manifested story constructed from the illusion of time. There is no past. There is no future. The past and the future are simply illusions of our mind. “You are a terrible, ugly person” has no more meaning than “You are the most amazing, beautiful person in the world.”

It’s not until we attach meaning to something that it exists as a story—a false story with no true meaning. Only a manifestation of the mind.

We needlessly suffer based on attached meaning. The false reality we have created from thousands of stories that have no meaning.

If we can dissolve to a state of no “I,” there is no suffering, no attachment, no seeking, no searching. We simply exist in a state of present moment awareness where all is as it should be—the perfection of existence in the moment.

From this place, our true nature (for every one of us) of pure being, pure awareness, pure love and compassion shines. Nothing means anything… just be.

Within all of this comes a realization that every one of us in this very moment (even as you read this) is awakened, enlightened, and in a state of perfection. You are already “there.” It only takes a perceptual shift, a breath of awareness, a flash of realization to discover the illusion of life.

The beautiful thing is in that moment of realization, you fully understand being awakened or enlightened means nothing. It’s the great cosmic giggle. We all want it, we all seek it, and then in a flash we realize we all already have it, and once you have it—it means nothing…HA! The perceptual shift of realization.

For me a great metaphor is this scene: You are running “late” for something. Trying to rush out the door, but, you cannot find your car keys! Where are they? You are running through the house searching, looking, beating yourself up because you don’t know where they are. “How can I be so stupid! I’m going to be late! People will be upset. I’m such a loser,” you think.

Then you stop, pause, breathe and allow a slight glance to the right and down, and you realize, in a moment of presence, that this whole time you have been holding the keys in your hand.

They have been right “there” all along. It just took a pause and a perceptual shift and BAM! What you were seeking, you held.

Enlightenment is like that. EVERYTHING we seek is like that. It’s right “there.” You already have it and you have always had it.

In this moment and in every moment of your existence you are complete, whole, perfect and awakened.

A 3-part series on one participant’s experience in the Pharmacokinetics of Psilocybin in Normal Adult Volunteers study at the University of Wisconsin. Read about Dose #1 here. Please note, this piece covers Dose #2, which is 45mg. The highest dose is Dose #3 of 59mg.

Prior to dose number two, I had a meeting with my guides Karen and Dan. They asked the standard:

“How have you been?” “I feel like I am in a cage,” I said. “Tell us more,” they replied.

I always appreciated Dan and Karen’s appreciation for my misery. They had me close my eyes, breathe deeply, and go inward.

“What do you see?” asked Karen.

“I see a large wooden cage with metal bands suspended from a ceiling. I am inside, and there are small slots on each of the four sides. I’m being attacked from all four sides. I have a spear, and I am constantly going from one slot to the next, fending off the next attack,” I said.

“Where is the door? Can you get out?” Dan asked. “There is no exit. There is no way out…” I said.

It was rather depressing to feel that.

“During your journey tomorrow, we will revisit your cage and maybe you can hand the spears to me,” Dan suggested.

It sounded like a great idea to lay down my weapons. I was slightly nervous about going back into the cage. The previous session was the most horrendous experience of my life, but I had 100 percent trust in the medicine and the guiding of Dan and Karen. I also trusted my inner knowing and that I was in the study for a reason.

The next day the standard protocol applied. I checked in and was escorted to room 1010. This time my dose was 45 mg of pure psilocybin. I took it and waited for the show to begin. There was fear and a sincere hope that this experience would not be as hellish.

The come-on was quick once again. This time it started with some colorful visuals. This was promising, but the beginning of the journey was chaotic. Hundreds of images were flashing by, though none seemed to make sense. I could feel edges of panic and anxiety, but I continued to breathe through it all.

At one point my cage appeared, three-dimensional and very colorful. It was twirling around and spinning. I realized I was outside the cage. I was just witnessing it. The cage was actually quite beautiful. It was no longer the dark, wooden, metal megalith of despair. I was watching it and had the feeling, “I no longer need you.” Then it exploded into millions of bits of color.

“Where are you?” my guides asked me. “I was at my cage,” I said.

“Do you want to hand me your spear?” Dan asked. I replied back, “My cage exploded.”

There was some levity and much relief. The relief was not long-lasting though. Soon, I was hit with waves of uncomfortableness. My body hurt. I felt anxious. I slid down to the floor and moaned.

“Could someone please massage my back? I’m so sore,” I pleaded. “Not now,” Dan said. “Be with your experience.”

I could feel my desire to distract myself from my uncomfortableness, a major theme of my life.

What followed was a classic two-hour session of “looping.” Looping is being stuck in a continual pattern of repetitive behavior or thought. It was very unpleasant and very disconcerting. I was sitting on the floor by Dan and Karen. I was stressed and panicky.

“Why do I keep doing this to myself?” I asked.

I could see how I was creating the discomfort and anxiety. I was slumped over breathing shallow, then I would sit up, breathe, and say, “I’m doing this. I am creating this. It’s so crazy. I need to stop.” Then I would repeat this sequence over and over and over again.

“Why I am doing this? Why do I keep doing this?” I asked Karen. “You’re in a thought loop. We are just here,” she reassured me.

About halfway through this looping, four blocks of energy appeared around my shoulders. There were two on my front, and two on my back. When I slumped over, the energy stopped. When I sat up and breathed, the energy would start moving again.

After two hours of this, I finally “got it.” Sit up and breathe. Simple. But it seemed like I had to take the hard route to figure this out.

I was now about four hours in and was feeling somewhat “sane.” My body felt sore, and I asked if I could receive bodywork at this point. I was very pleased to hear “yes.”

What followed was subtle bliss. Karen spent about 20 minutes sitting behind me and gently and slowly moving my head around. Each movement was a different note of energetic frequency. It was very comforting and soothing. Then both Dan and Karen worked on me as I was lying down—total receiving in an altered stated.

After what felt like an hour into the bodywork, a small voice came out: “I feel like I need to cry.”

Soft tears began to fall, and then the dam broke. What followed was the most intense emotional purge of my life. Never have I experienced anything like the tidal wave of grief, anger, rage, tears, and sobbing that flowed through me. This grief was accompanied by yelling, screaming, and writhing.

Voices came out: “I was just a little fucking kid! You fucking monster! How could you do this to a little fucking kid! I just want a normal fucking father! I just wanted a normal fucking childhood! A normal fucking life! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUUUUUCCKKK…” I screamed.

This rage, tears, and sadness were all directed at my father and brother. I thought I had addressed many of these issues previously, but apparently not.

It is amazing what we can store in our bodies and psyches. It’s all in there, and it wants nothing more than to be released. I felt a bizarre physical sensation of snot dripping down into my sinuses. This was followed by several epic nose blows. It felt great, like a sinus colonic.

Having an emotional catharsis under the influence of psilocybin has to be one of the more profound experiences that someone can go through. In the heightened state of psilocybin, everything is amplified.

The session ended with me curled up in the fetal position. I felt spent. I was better on some levels, but experienced a persistent, low-level sadness in my soul and body.

At one point I sat up and Dan and Karen were sitting on either side of me. I could feel their love. But I could feel my resistance to letting it in. I felt guarded and closed.

I knew there was more work to be done.

Continue reading about concluding Dose #3

A 3-part series on one participant’s experience in the Pharmacokinetics of Psilocybin in Normal Adult Volunteers study at the University of Wisconsin. Please note, this piece covers Dose #1, which is 29mg. The highest dose is Dose #3 of 59mg.

As a result of reading One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest in my teens—and discovering that Ken Kesey wrote much of the novel under the influence of psilocybin pinched from the state hospital where he was working—I developed a life-long dream to be in a clinical study with a psychedelic.

Correction: A previous version of this article incorrectly stated this was the largest dose of psilocybin ever administered in a study. The “Pilot Dose- Finding Study” at the University of New Mexico administered 80.3mg to a participant, but those results were never published.